dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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