if you like me you must not know who I am
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
