at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
