I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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