so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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