Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
