Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
