GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so let's talk penis.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
