Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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