we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize