i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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