I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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