Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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