Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
