Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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