My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Don't make out with my wife yet
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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