From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
