Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
