6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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