We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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