If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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