Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
