i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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