The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
