Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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