So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize