so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
pray to the hookup gods
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
