Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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