so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
