I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
