I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
