I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
