I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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