i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
