dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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