i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
