I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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