I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
false alarm. still invincible.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
