id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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