She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
