i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
