I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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