1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
