Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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