Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
