They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
