literally had 100 drinks last night.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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