i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize