So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Farmville is her only friend.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Randomize