Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
