I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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