Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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