I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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