i love accidental penises.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
